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adolescence
[ after the incident in kanbalar, alvin is back with them, acting like nothing ever happened as usual. elize is angry, leia is sympathetic, rowen is calm and observant, and milla... well, milla is milla. regardless of the recent surge of events, everyone is settling in after a long day. everyone except jude, anyway, who is standing outside on a balcony in xian diu and staring up at the sky, lost in thought.
he's never been more confused in his life. not even when he happened to meet maxwell herself, walking on water right in front of him. jude has been through a lot on this journey already, a journey he knows is still nowhere near over, but this might be the most confusing thing of all.
to be honest, milla is the person he wants to talk to most right now, and she has a habit of seeking him out when he's missing. so jude just... waits, attempting to push down the anxiety constricting in his chest and failing. ]
he's never been more confused in his life. not even when he happened to meet maxwell herself, walking on water right in front of him. jude has been through a lot on this journey already, a journey he knows is still nowhere near over, but this might be the most confusing thing of all.
to be honest, milla is the person he wants to talk to most right now, and she has a habit of seeking him out when he's missing. so jude just... waits, attempting to push down the anxiety constricting in his chest and failing. ]
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fortunately, it isn't hard to find a do-gooder honors student. worst comes to worst, she could just shout that someone's in trouble. hee hee. ]
Jude. You're up late.
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Yeah. I am.
[ he's silent for a beat. better get out with it. maybe milla won't care-- this isn't related to her mission, after all, is it? but jude would like to think that they've come a long way. that they're friends. ]
Milla... Can I talk to you?
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[ even she has an Idea, but. ]
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How much do you think Alvin has been lying about?
He's had our backs since the beginning. Since the moment we met. He's protected me more than I can count. Every time he's veered off, he's always come back. So why?
[ jude clenches his fists. he honestly thought he could trust him. jude had smiled at him with all the hope in the world minutes before he sold them out to wingul and gaius. no wonder alvin had turned his back on him right then. he probably couldn't stand looking at a naive kid like him. ]
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jude's easy to read. ]
I doubt we know everything Alvin is keeping from us. Transparency isn't his strong suit. But...
[ she pauses for a moment, thoughtful. how did that egg principle go? ]
When you eliminate the impossible, whatever left no matter how improbable must be the truth. Alvin has certainly gone far above the call of duty to help. He is also a big fat liar.
But I've seen him risk his life to protect you. It is impossible to not care about something – or someone – you are willing to die for.
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[ that concept is foreign to jude the do-gooder here. ]
He even said he had no idea who Presa was, all the way back when she had you in a chokehold. He trusted me then, too. And then it turns out they have a history? Has he been working this angle this entire time?
[ jude gnaws at his lip. thinking about it makes his stomach turn. he'd rather not. ]
... But he didn't lie about his mother. He trusted both of us enough to let us meet her. I don't think I've ever seen him so... vulnerable. He protected Elize, too, made sure she didn't get hurt. He was wounded.
I don't get him, Milla. I don't understand, and I want to understand, because I really--
[ he really likes him, although he doesn't quite understand just what that entails yet. all jude knows is that he's always felt safe with alvin. just his arm around him has always been a comfort. there are simple things, like making jude laugh when he needs it most, and then there are things milla mentioned, like risking his life for him.
jude doesn't think he's ever felt so naive. he really is just a kid, isn't he? milla has always made him feel so safe, too, but her and alvin couldn't be more different. it's different. it's a different kind of safe. ]
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I don't understand why humans lie. It seems like a waste of time. But perhaps the answer eludes me because there isn't one reason. Some humans lie to protect themselves while some lie to protect others. Some even do it for fun.
[ the truth is that she doesn't get alvin either. it always seems that his intentions are good until she finds out they aren't. she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him, and it doesn't bother her – as long as he continues to help more than hinder her mission, she's fine with it. jude clearly is not. ]
I can't say for sure what Alvin's angle is, but I truly do not believe it is to harm you.
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Maybe it's both. To protect himself and to protect others. The more I think about it... the more that seems just like him.
... Regardless, if he's trying to push us away, it isn't working. I won't make choices for anyone else here, but I'm not just going to turn my back on him and give up on him, no matter what stunt he decides to pull next. Angry or not, deep down... Well, I've never once thought that he's a bad person. I know he isn't. Even after all this, I just want to make sure he doesn't leave us again. Someone needs to look after him.
[ poor, sweet, innocent jude, you have no idea what you are saying. he's oblivious to it, but he shrugs his shoulders with a pained laugh. ]
This is exactly why he teases me for being a do-gooder all the time, isn't it? Good thing you're not here to judge.
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Looking out for Alvin may prove to be quite the task. You sure you're up for it? He's a lot of trouble.
[ alvin would make a terrible pet. but she knows that if anyone can turn him around, it's jude. it's obvious that jude is the eye of the storm to alvin's hurricane – the way alvin is always watching, gravitating toward him. ]
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[ he beams at milla with a teasing smile. he's talking about you, oh great spirit maxwell. ]
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Unless... ah. I knew asking Rowen to accompany us was a mistake.
[ the almighty lord of spirits is not trouble, thank you very much. except when she is. ]
I can tell Alvin cares for you. Perhaps this is just what he needs.
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Hey, don't pin this on Rowen! He's Ilbert the Conductor, Milla! History books!
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... You'll have to be more specific than that.
[ what is it that alvin needs? him? because as desperately as jude wants to stay by him, help him shoulder everything he's carrying, a person like alvin couldn't possibly need a person like jude. the very thought is absurd. ]
Whether he cares or not, and sometimes I'm still not sure, I still can't... I... He doesn't need me. Not a kid like me.
[ even though alvin is always the one calling jude an adult. admittedly, it's always given him a sort of swell of pride. nobody else has ever treated him like that, either. ]
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fortunately, traveling with jude and alvin has helped milla develop a deeper understanding of human insecurities and, well, tact. she's far from perfect, but she knows better than to tell jude about alvin's feelings and advise him about human intercourse. so many fluids! ]
I have to disagree. You give him something that no one else has.
[ and no, it's not a boner. that happens a Lot. ]
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[ his question is genuine, his eyes as sincere as ever. jude truly is oblivious to the effect he has on others. ]
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[ maybe a little bit of hope, too. ]
I doubt that Alvin has spent his life surrounded by people who genuinely want the best for and from him. But you do.
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[ it doesn't matter what alvin has done. to jude, that's the most obvious thing in the world.
he's still... confused. whatever it is that he feels for milla, it isn't the same as what he feels for alvin, but calling alvin something as simple as a friend feels... strange, somehow, like something is missing. they are friends, he hopes, but there's more than that, too. he just has no idea what it is.
milla, on the other hand, has given him butterflies since day one, and that has to mean something, doesn't it? she's beautiful, isn't she? jude has never had anyone to talk to about this stuff. not even leia. she's always seemed to dodge the subject.
Feelings. feelings are weird, and messy, and chances are, milla is the last person he should be talking to about feelings. regardless, he's glad she's here. ]
... But if he tries anything again, I'm going to put all that martial arts training to good use. Apparently I've been learning how to pack a pretty good punch. I'd rather not resort to that, but....
[ he and leia should spar again sometime! maybe he won't be bullied. ]
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[ alvin kind of does seem like a masochist. she read the books, man. still... ]
Something is still bothering you. Would you like to talk about it?
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... Um. No! No. Not at all. I-I mean-- well, maybe, but it's nothing. Nothing you should worry about, I mean.
It won't get in the way of your mission. I promise. That's all that matters, isn't it?
[ he forces a smile. at times like this, he wishes he had, y'know. real parents. ]
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It's all right. But you should know that if it makes you upset, it matters to me – no. It matters to all of us.
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Well, the same thing applies to you, alright? Remember that the reason we're here is to shoulder this burden together.
[ milla has been acting a bit off lately, too, but it's not a subject jude is going to approach. she wouldn't divulge anything unless she wanted to. all he can do is continue to fight alongside her. ]
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[ jude really is happy she's here. he wouldn't consider his feelings a Problem, exactly, just... well, they're not something he thinks he can explain to milla of all people. ]
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[ she's flattered. you can take credit for a lot of her emotional perspective, jude. ]
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And then you wanted me to stay in Nia Khera. With Ivar.
[ that one stung a bit, milla. ]
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I didn't realize how annoying Ivar is until I left Nia Khera. Believe it or not, he was considerably more tolerable while I lived in my shrine.
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[ at least jude seems to have calmed down. for now. ]
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... Thanks again, Milla. I'll think about everything you said.
[ he doesn't think he's ready to go to bed yet - he'd like to look at the stars some more - but he's glad that she came to talk to him. now to think about what to do with alvin later on. Sigh. with the exception of his father, jude has always been terrible at being angry. ]